Sex Q & A

Q: What are your thoughts about masturbation?

A: (by Nancy Broxton)
Great question—one so few are willing to ask. Thanks for your courage!
The first thing to note is that the Bible is largely silent on the topic of masturbation.
Yet, the Bible is full of advice surrounding our sexuality (go to 1 Corinthians 6:12-20 if you’d like to meditate on a great passage celebrating the body). So, let me try to get to the heart of the question…where to start? First, masturbation (self-touching of the genitals) is a pretty normal part of the developmental process—even babies find great pleasure in touching their own genitals. The confusing (& spiritually related) part starts in adolescence. At the time when sexual organs begin to work (party at the Broxtons’!), we aren’t ready to be in married, intimate sexual relationships. The amount of time each part needs to develop into adulthood—biology, emotions, intelligence, and social recognition—is totally different. The body matures much more quickly than any other part. Masturbation at this stage can be a solitary way for teens to release the curiosity & sexual energy building up in the body, especially since they are not yet ready emotionally (or financially!) for marriage.
Unfortunately, the topic of masturbation is not usually that simple. Guilt and shame enter into the picture, sometimes with other forms of sexual stimulation like pornography, which ultimately leads to lust. The core problem is this: The sexual drive was not designed to be fulfilled in solitude. Our bodies were designed by God to constantly pull us into two primary relationships—first with God, and then with others (in this context, one other person that we commit to in marriage). That’s why masturbation can lead to a feeling of emptiness—which many young Christians think is guilt. That “empty” feeling may not be true guilt (unless coupled with lust, see below), but rather the body’s way of saying “I want more! That’s not enough!” Ultimately, that empty feeling is good because it keeps us looking for sexual fulfillment and total emotional intimacy—that’s why God designed marriage.
For many people, though, this is where the addictive cycle of masturbation often starts—we look for more and more ways of fulfilling our sexual desires before marriage (or when marriage doesn’t seem fulfilling), while still remaining “abstinent.” The thing that complicates the question is lust—this is the sin part that the Bible tells us to run away from (go back to 1 Cor 6:18). It’s also the addictive factor which, when paired with any form of sex, leads to a compulsive cycle resulting in guilt & shame. It also becomes a behavior which feels impossible to stop. When fantasies, pictures, videos, novels, or other types of stimulation are paired with masturbation, we’re fulfilling lustful desires (wanting sexual fulfillment through some “object” in our minds, not our spouse). Not only do we hurt ourselves—we get stuck in a painful cycle of lust & shame—but it’s also harmful to others: First, the person in the picture or movie has become a “thing” to us, rather than a real person created in God’s image; second, we’re stealing true intimacy from our mate (or future mate). We keep ourselves from having real, “naked” intimacy with anyone else, even God.
There’s another possibility that Lewis Smedes suggests in his book, Sex For Christians (great reading to think more about this topic!). He says compulsive masturbation can be one type of self-abuse, not of the body, but of the soul. For people who go through each day feeling a vague sense of guilt, masturbation can be a “thing” that becomes a tangible way they “prove” themselves to be unlovable and unworthy, especially to God.
So…what do we do? First, as Smedes says, “the answer to this problem is grace” (1994, pp. 141-2). This has to start with total intimacy & honesty—if you’re stuck in a cycle of lust and guilt, confess it before God and one other close friend who can help you in prayer & encouragement (Note: If you’re married, yes, confess your struggle to your spouse…but maybe ask a friend/mentor of your gender to pray & ask the tough questions—sexual sin is painful info for spouses to process & it will be tough for him/her to keep an objective mindset, which you’ll need. Consider a Christian counselor, too, to get to the heart of your issue. If you want, you can ask us for contacts.).
Second, know that you are not alone. It is a trick of the devil to keep us isolated in our guilt and shame—unfortunately, we can’t grow & change unless we open each part of our life to honesty, forgiveness and relationship. Since sexuality is at the center of how we are designed—created in God’s image—I’m not surprised we wrestle with it so much. We all struggle with sexuality in one way or another.Well…thanks for reading…those are a few of my ideas to think & talk about (post your comments!). If you’re wrestling with this question (or other questions about sexuality), here are some of the questions I ask myself in the process:
1. Am I continually pursuing an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ thru prayer and the Bible?
2. Am I active in the body of Christ, seeking out intimate & honest relationships with others?
3. [If married] Am I wholeheartedly pursuing a committed, intimate, healing, life-bringing relationship with my spouse through every means possible (i.e. intentional & honest conversation, prayer, counseling, small groups, godly friends, marriage retreats, etc.)?
And then I pray with Paul in Philippians 4:8: "Finally, brothers & sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
Blessings & prayers on the journey!

Sex Q & A

Q: I met a girl a few weeks ago that I really connected with. We eventually found ourselves in the same bed after only 2 days of knowing each other. We didn’t engage in intercourse but we went as far as hand to genital contact. Am I still a virgin? How can I talk to her? How can I pray to God for healing of this shame? (this question has been paraphrased)

A: (by Charlie Broxton)
This is a great question that really got me thinking about how we view sex and sexuality in the church. For the longest time, I have heard the saying “True Love Waits.” To me, this saying means that someone is waiting to have sexual intercourse until they get married. This is a good thing but it’s incomplete. You can have hand to genital contact and still be a virgin according to this mentality. These are lines that we have drawn to determine the difference between a virgin and someone who has lost their virginity. In the process, I believe that we have elevated physical virginity and completely forgotten about Jesus’ teaching about sex and our hearts and minds. Jesus didn’t draw the line at physical virginity. In Matthew 5:28 Jesus says, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” This means that when we look at someone with sexual intent, we have had sex with them even though it’s only in our minds. According to this teaching virginity is not just about what we do, it’s about what we think and imagine. Most of us have struggled with impure thoughts. Most of us have struggled with sexual intent towards people we aren’t married to. This means that in Jesus’ eyes, we have all crossed that line. The point is that it’s not about whether we are physical virgins or not, we have to guard not just our bodies but also our minds if we are going to live the life that Jesus calls us to. The good news is that the blood of Christ covers over every sin. There is no sin outside of the reach of God’s grace. Check out of 1 John 1:9. All we have to do is confess. The bad news is that once you have crossed this line with someone, it is really hard to go back. The best advice I can give you is to be very careful with this relationship. I would heavily caution you against pursuing this relationship. If you decide to pursue it, find people to hold you accountable so that you don’t make the same mistake twice. When the shame from this situation sets in, ask God for His help to step outside of it and rest in His grace and love revealed in Jesus Christ. Soak yourself in Romans 8:1. This passage is amazingly freeing! It tells us that there is no condemnation for those of us who have faith in Jesus Christ.